I Resolve To...

What am I, a glutton for punishment? It’s the only explanation. Year after year, I sit down and willingly commit myself to a long list of resolutions I know I can’t keep. I know these New Year’s resolutions are a tradition and everything, but they just aren’t very realistic. No one ever lives up to them. But maybe I’ve been setting my standards too high. After all, learning Latin, writing the Great American Novel and winning a Tony award is a lot to accomplish in one year. Maybe I need to think lower. A lot lower. Maybe something like this:
1. Find out what that extra light switch in my kitchen is for.
It doesn’t control the light, the garbage disposal or any of the appliances. Hmmm...maybe it controls the sun! Maybe I could have sunlight anytime I wanted! Maybe I’m up way too late and have had way too much sugar today!
2. Find that pair of shoes that vanished into the depths of my overstuffed closet about three years ago.
I know you’re in there! You can’t hide from me forever!
3. Clean the mildew off the shower tiles.
Ewww...gross! I know, I know, I’m a slob! But don’t we all have some dirty little secret hidden in our bathroom? Well, don’t we? Oops, I guess not. Mildew? What mildew? Ha ha...I was just joking!
4. Straighten up my desk once and for all.
Oh, I forgot, I’m supposed to be coming up with realistic resolutions.
5. Clean out the refrigerator.
You don’t want to know. Trust me, you don’t want to know.
Now that’s better. That sounds like a list of things I could actually accomplish. And I’ll get started on them right now. As soon as I have a little nap. And then surf the Internet for a while. And then maybe a snack. And then...oh, who am I kidding? This time next year, I’ll still be obsessing over that mystery light switch and holding my nose every time I open the refrigerator. (Like I said, you don’t want to know.) Oh well, it was a nice thought anyway.