Sunday, February 27, 2005

A Dog's Version of Utopia

The other night, I was watching my dogs, curled up and sleeping peacefully, and I wondered -- what do dogs dream about? Giant chew toys? A never-ending supply of dog biscuits? That cute little Pomeranian down the street? So I went to one of my pups (whose street name is “Sir Humps-A-Lot”) and asked him what dogs dream about. What is it they secretly long for? If they could create their ideal world, what would it be like? This is his response, in his own words:

1. An unlimited supply of rawhide chews.

2. A ride in the car every day.

3. The humans would fetch for me, for a change.

4. Tennis balls! More tennis balls!

5. Lots of stinky smelly things to roll around in.

6. Plenty of sirens to howl at.

7. I would get brushed every day, but...

8. I would never have my toenails clipped.

9. Mud, mud and more mud.

10. Read my lips: No More Baths!!

(Note: In the interest of fairness, I posed this same question to my felines. Their response will be published on Thursday.)

Thursday, February 24, 2005

Great Mysteries of the Universe

OK, so maybe I exaggerate a little. After all, it’s not like I want to know where Amelia Earheart is or why Paris Hilton is so famous, but these are things that bug the hell out of me nonetheless. I’ll never find peace until I find the answers, so if I were suddenly endowed with the intellect of Albert Einstein or the insight of Sherlock Holmes, here are the mysteries I would try to unravel:

1. How to write an 800-word article on trimming your dog’s toenails.
2. What Donald Trump is really wearing on his head.
3. Why I always wake up 5 minutes before my alarm goes off.
4. Where all of my missing socks are.
5. Is there anything Oprah doesn’t do?
6. Why it always rains after you wash your car.
7. Why I only have car trouble when I’m already running late.
8. How many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Roll Pop?
9. Why food tastes better when someone else cooks it.
10. How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?

Sunday, February 20, 2005

What I Learned From Internet Quizzes

Sometimes you just need a break. I’m trying to be productive, really I am, but I just don’t have the stamina. After spending all day writing about how to clean your dog’s ears and how to feng shui your personal workspace, I needed a diversion. So I turned to my most recent addiction, a bag of chocolate chips accompanied by a few Internet quizzes. And what I found out about myself was unexpected, but a little thought-provoking.

Who’s your inner rock star?
Wow, your inner rock star is Bjork. You've charmed the world with your beautiful, zany, personal style. To say you're a member of the alternative set would be a gross understatement. You and Bjork define alternative in its purest form. You've got nothing to prove, it's your remarkably creative point of view that lets you make art from anything—art, music, politics—whatever makes you passionate. It's just who you are. You've got the courage to experiment with your style and career, and all the while remaining positively sweet and humble. You are as much a free spirit as they come. Celebrate your inner Bjork.
--Does this mean I have to wear a swan dress and attack people in the airport?

What’s your lucky charm?
There's something about you that just brightens up a room. It's only fitting that your personal charm is as fun as your good luck charm, the Good Luck Troll. These pot-bellied, big-eared, wild-haired, naked little creatures can lighten the mood almost as easily as you do. Whether they are perched on the end of a pencil, gazing down from the bookshelf or riding along on the dashboard, these "so-ugly-they're-cute" trolls bring good fortune to those who truly appreciate their power. Often mentioned in the same breath as Pet Rocks, Sea Monkeys and the Slinky, Good Luck Trolls aren't just another fad rescued from oblivion. They come from the enchanted forests of Norway, where it was believed glimpsing a real troll would yield years of good luck. These miniature imitations are easy to spot and even easier to laugh at. And that's the point: nothing bad can happen when you're laughing.
--Sure it can, like if you laugh while driving, get distracted, run off the road and die.

What's Your Superpower?
Say what? Your superpower is ANIMAL COMMUNICATION! Many people pretend to talk to their pets, but you can really, truly do it. Have you ever mimicked the monkeys or the penguins at the zoo? If you have, you're on your way to becoming a great animal communicator, just like Aquaman with his fishy friends. Some people think animal communication has to be vocal. Not so. Any superhero knows that mental telepathy is where it's at. So while barking at Fido might be fun, it's not the practice you really need. Instead, try thinking like an animal. When you get into the mindset of, say, a squirrel, you'll be able to truly communicate with one. Of course it's a two way street, because you'll be able to understand everything they say back, too. And they've got a lot to tell! Imagine talking to a walrus about the deep ocean or to an ant about life underground. Once you've perfected your superhuman gift, you'll never be without interesting conversation.
--Yes, but then my Rice Krispies would get jealous.

Wednesday, February 16, 2005

Oh, hell...

12:03 a.m. -- note to self: Don’t work on articles about haunted places in America when you’re home all alone on a dark, cold, windy night.
Shhh...did you hear that? I heard something. Hello? Hello? Is anyone there? Darn me! Why did I pick the dead of night to work on an article about ghosts? I’m obviously way too suggestible. There’s nothing there. It’s just my overactive imagination getting the better of me. I’ll just put it out of my mind and get back to work. Ghosts? Hah! Stuff and nonsense!
Where was I? Oh yeah -- so legend has it this young woman murdered her former lover and now she haunts the cemetery looking for...wait...what was that? I heard something again. Hello? This isn’t funny, whoever or whatever you are! I heard something, I know I heard something. mind. It’s just the cat. Silly me!
Anyway, back to the article -- so she haunts the cemetery looking for...what the...? I felt something. I know I felt something! A light breeze against my neck, as if someone were...behind me...breathing...ever so softly...
For the love of...don’t scare me like that, you crazy dog! What are you trying to do, Fido, give me a heart attack? What’s wrong? What are you barking at? And what’s wrong with you, Fluffy? Why are you hissing? I don’t see anyone there. Oh, this is ridiculous. I’m not going to get any work done, I should just go to bed. Maybe I’ll have better luck in the light of day.
Ah, yes. This is the life. A dog curled up on my feet, a cat purring softly beside me. It doesn’t get any better than this. Fido? Why are you growling? Fluffy? Come back here! Ooh, it’s so cold in here all of a sudden. Who’s there? I felt that! A cold breeze wafting over my bed! I’m not imagining things! What’s that strange light? Oh, hell...

Saturday, February 12, 2005

Anti-Valentine's Day

You wake up filled with dread and overwhelmed by an inexplicable sense of doom. Whatever could be causing these terrible thoughts, you wonder in bewilderment. And then you remember. It is one of the darkest, most sinister days of the year -- Valentine’s Day.
Yes, it is evil in its truest form. A diabolical plot concocted by the greeting card companies and candy manufacturers, designed to dupe unsuspecting consumers out of their hard-earned money. And for singles, it is an agonizing reminder of their failure at that cruel, cruel game of love. But it doesn’t have to be that bad. Embrace your solitude! Refuse to be suckered by the greeting card and candy companies! Instead of moping because you don’t have a sweetheart, have a little fun with this holiday. Have an Anti-Valentine’s Day! Why, there are all kinds of ways to celebrate:
1. Form a picket line outside your local Hallmark store, claiming “cruelty to singles.”
2. Refuse to hand out Valentine’s Day cards, because you won’t be a party to such crass commercialization.
3. Refuse to eat chocolate, because you don’t want to support the candy companies. Dine exclusively on brussels sprouts instead.
4. Make prank phone calls to your exes.
5. Hand out flyers in front of your neighborhood florist accusing them of plant exploitation.

Sunday, February 06, 2005

Top 10 Rejected Titles for This Blog

Cut me some slack! I was sleep-deprived and high on chocolate when I wrote these. Mmm...chocolate...
1. America’s Most Unwanted
2. Cherchez Le Femme
3. Delusions of Grandeur
4. Hot Air
5. Dead Air
6. Stuff and Nonsense
7. Shallow Thoughts
8. Speaking in Tongues
9. Without a Clue
10. Off the Deep End

Thursday, February 03, 2005

So Tired, Tired of Waiting...

You squirm uncomfortably in your chair. Is it getting hot in here? The Muzak is about to drive you over the edge. Oh no, not “Seasons in the Sun” again! The people around you are coughing, sneezing, hacking. Too many bodily fluids, too little space! Your only source of distraction are 30-year-old magazines covered with sinister-looking stains. You cry out in agony: Oh, what have I done to deserve this? No, it’s not Purgatory, silly. It’s just the doctor’s office waiting room. Instead of waiting in misery for your impending doom, make the most of this time. You can actually get a lot accomplished without bosses, spouses or kids interrupting you every five minutes. There’s no end to what you could do! Stuck in Waiting Room Hell with no chance of escape? Try these suggestions to keep your mind occupied. (And off all those germs swarming around you just looking for a way to invade your body.)
1. Meditate
2. Write your memoirs
3. Read “War and Peace”
4. Learn Latin
5. Ponder the meaning of life
6. Balance your checkbook
7. Knit a sweater
8. Read the waiting room magazines to see what life was like at the turn of the century
9. Count the stains on the floor
10. Try to guess what illness the other patients have
Free Guestbook from Free Guestbook from
Zoetrope Bloggers
Join | List | Previous | Next | Random | Previous 5 | Next 5 |
Powered by RingSurf