Great Mysteries of the Universe

OK, so maybe I exaggerate a little. After all, it’s not like I want to know where Amelia Earheart is or why Paris Hilton is so famous, but these are things that bug the hell out of me nonetheless. I’ll never find peace until I find the answers, so if I were suddenly endowed with the intellect of Albert Einstein or the insight of Sherlock Holmes, here are the mysteries I would try to unravel:

1. How to write an 800-word article on trimming your dog’s toenails.
2. What Donald Trump is really wearing on his head.
3. Why I always wake up 5 minutes before my alarm goes off.
4. Where all of my missing socks are.
5. Is there anything Oprah doesn’t do?
6. Why it always rains after you wash your car.
7. Why I only have car trouble when I’m already running late.
8. How many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Roll Pop?
9. Why food tastes better when someone else cooks it.
10. How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?