Saturday, February 12, 2005

Anti-Valentine's Day

You wake up filled with dread and overwhelmed by an inexplicable sense of doom. Whatever could be causing these terrible thoughts, you wonder in bewilderment. And then you remember. It is one of the darkest, most sinister days of the year -- Valentine’s Day.
Yes, it is evil in its truest form. A diabolical plot concocted by the greeting card companies and candy manufacturers, designed to dupe unsuspecting consumers out of their hard-earned money. And for singles, it is an agonizing reminder of their failure at that cruel, cruel game of love. But it doesn’t have to be that bad. Embrace your solitude! Refuse to be suckered by the greeting card and candy companies! Instead of moping because you don’t have a sweetheart, have a little fun with this holiday. Have an Anti-Valentine’s Day! Why, there are all kinds of ways to celebrate:
1. Form a picket line outside your local Hallmark store, claiming “cruelty to singles.”
2. Refuse to hand out Valentine’s Day cards, because you won’t be a party to such crass commercialization.
3. Refuse to eat chocolate, because you don’t want to support the candy companies. Dine exclusively on brussels sprouts instead.
4. Make prank phone calls to your exes.
5. Hand out flyers in front of your neighborhood florist accusing them of plant exploitation.
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