Sunday, January 23, 2005

To Whom It May Concern

If you are reading this right now, it is because I have been the victim of a very unfortunate “accident.” If, by some miracle, those conspiring against me have inadvertently allowed this to be published, I can only think that some force for good must have intervened, so that others will not meet the same fate I did. I beseech you--please read these words carefully, for they may save your life.
My conspirators were very clever, disguising themselves as some of my dearest friends. I depended on them for almost everything, and at first they were there whenever I needed them. But slowly, they begin to plot against me, until eventually I had no one left to turn to. Why not go to the authorities? Because no one would have believed me. And they counted on that.
The computer was the first to turn against me. I’ll admit, I was too attached to that machine. I used it for work, for shopping, for paying bills, almost everything, in fact. Without it I would have been lost. But just when I came to depend on it, it abandoned me. At first I thought I had worked it too hard or had overloaded it with too many programs. There were little glitches here and there. Files would disappear. All of my settings would be changed, and then changed back again. I got disconnected from the Internet every five minutes. I would be sent to a different website than what I’d typed in. I was afraid it was spyware. Had I been hijacked? I couldn’t stand the thought of my poor, reliable old computer being violated like that. I downloaded every spywarekiller program I could find. I deleted unnecessary files. I did everything I could to help my computer perform better. But it was no use. Eventually I had to face the terrible truth: my computer was out to get me.
The television was next. The volume would mysteriously go up and down and then up again. The reception came and went. And then there was that eerie green spot. It grew smaller and larger, and almost looked as if it were breathing. Sometimes it was just a speck. Other times it covered nearly half the screen. Larger, smaller, larger, smaller...oh, how diabolical it was! It was never visible when other people were present. Only when I was alone. Larger, smaller, larger. I know you’re there! I’m not crazy! And now the whole world will know about you. They’ll find you eventually. And your little friends, those blasted kitchen appliances!
Ah yes, the kitchen appliances. They were the cruelest of them all. The refrigerator appeared to be the ringleader. It started with the occasional shock whenever I would touch the handle. At first it was an infrequent occurrence, but it happened more and more often, until I couldn’t open the door at all. Oh my sweet Haagen-Dazs, trapped in there all alone and uneaten! And I have no way to save you! Soon the other appliances got in on the act. The garbage disposal would make terrible noises and refuse to dispose. And then it would act as if nothing had happened. Sometimes it wouldn’t work for days. Sometimes it would make terrible, ear-splitting noises. I never knew what to expect. The microwave was even worse. It would stop right in the middle of cooking, and then start up again. The turntable would turn. And then it wouldn’t. Sometimes it turned backwards. Sometimes it groaned. Oh, what have I done to deserve this? Why do you want to drive me insane?
Please, please, please, if you read this, take a long hard look around you. They say technology is our best friend. But is it? I trusted them once, too, and look what happened to me. Don’t trust them. Don’t ever let your guard down around them. Don’t be a fool like I was. Yes, it’s too late for me, but if just one person is saved by reading this, my misfortune won’t have been in vain. Please, don’t let them get away with it! Don’t let them take over! They’re ruthless! Ruthless, I tell you! They’ll stop at nothing! And you could be next...
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