In Memory of Terri Schiavo

I just don't feel right being funny today.

You Know You're a Dog Mom When...

1. People ask you where you got that unusual coat, but you’re not wearing a coat. It’s only that thick film of dog hair that covers every single thing you own.

2. You spend hours preparing your dog an elaborate meal, and only fix your boyfriend a sandwich.

3. You start calling your hand your “paw.”

4. You think dog biscuits look appetizing.

5. You quit your job to be a work-at-home doggie mom.

6. You have the overwhelming urge to tell people to “sit” and “stay.”

7. Your idea of a good time is playing fetch.

8. You start jumping in every mud puddle you see.

9. You let your dog decide who you date.

10. You let your dog decide pretty much everything else, too.

Deep Thoughts

1. “Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I’m not sure about the former,” Albert Einstein.

2. “Now I can look at you in peace -- I don’t eat you anymore,” Franz Kafka, to the fishes in his aquarium.

3. “My second favorite household chore is ironing. My first being hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint,” Erma Bombeck.

4. “Until he extends his circle of compassion to include all living things, man will not himself find peace,” Albert Schweitzer.

5. “I hope life isn’t a big joke, because I don’t get it,” Jack Handey.

Don't Try This at Home

You know, people give me a lot of great advice, and I would be selfish if I didn’t share it with the rest of the world. And what better way to do that than the Internet? So please, learn from the mistakes of others. Don’t ever do these things:

1. Attempt to make your own hand soap.

2. Lay ceramic floor tile in your underwear.

3. Date someone you met on the Internet.

4. Hang Christmas lights while standing on wet grass. (Call 911!)

5. Take six dogs to the vet at once.

6. Have sex with someone you met in the park. (Seems obvious, doesn’t it? One would think...)

7. Touch an electric fence to see if it’s working.

10 Things...

I confess--I’m too lazy to come up with something original, so I’m appropriating (stealing) an idea I’ve seen on several other blogs. At first I didn’t think I could pull this off, but when I thought about, I realized my life has been more eventful than I thought. (Especially when you put the right spin on it.) So here it is, my attempt at “10 Things I’ve Done That You Probably Haven’t.”

1. Did a cell phone interview with a CEO while he was at Disneyworld with his kids.

2. Had tea with the governor’s wife. (I was 10.)

3. Died four times in one weekend. (Well, actually, my character died four times--I was playing Emily in “Our Town.”)

4. Interviewed the spiritual adviser to a death row inmate.

5. Took the ACT when I was 12, and received an award from Duke University for my score. (I peaked early--it’s all been downhill ever since.)

6. Did a telephone interview with the president of a medical research foundation while he was renovating his country house.

7. Had lunch with the lieutenant governor. (There were 100 of us there.)

8. Interviewed the governor.

9. I have a Pulitzer and an Oscar. (Umm...well...actually, that’s the name of my cats.)

10. Put out a fire, rode in a fire truck and used the “Jaws of Life” to tear the door off a car.

Where's Einstein When You Need Him?

Many physicists believe that there are actually several different realities, which exist parallel to our own. I believe I may have slipped into one of these alternate realities, because recently several strange things have occurred for which I can find no other explanation. If you doubt my theory, take a look at the list of evidence I have compiled.

1. My dog marched into the room and announced he wanted to change his name from "Sir Humps-a-Lot" to “Pup Daddy.” He says he needs more street cred.

2. A former co-worker called me up out of the blue, and said there were people living under her house. So she changed her phone number, but couldn’t tell me the number over the phone, because “they” might be listening.

3. Same co-worker called me up a few days later, and said there was a troll-like man living in her tree. He never moves, even when she throws things at him.

4. Went to my grandmother’s house the next day, and she said she had a man living in her tree. However, her man reads aloud from a book, but she can’t make out what he’s saying. She’s still working on it, though.

5. Found out that a former classmate, who once had to ask how to spell the letter “z,” is now a published novelist with a book contract and her own fan club.

6. A woman came up to me in the grocery store, insisting my name was Ilsa and saying that she knew me from her childhood days in Budapest.

7. Kept hearing strange noises in the attic. Wait a minute--I don’t have an attic.

8. I lost a $10 bill, turned the house upside down but couldn’t find it. Came home the next day, and it was just sitting there on the table looking innocent.

9. Came home to find my goldfish missing. The bowl’s still there, but the fish is nowhere to be seen. And no, my cats didn’t eat it; there was a cover on the bowl.

10. Woke up one morning to find all of the furniture in my living room re-arranged and my cats looking very confused.

I’m no Einstein, and I don’t really understand this whole “space-time continuum” thing, but I sincerely believe that something is amiss here. If anyone reading this happens to be a physicist, or knows someone who is, I would be very grateful for any help they can provide. You can reach me here, or at (555) LST-NSPC.

Meet the Family

What, does the world revolve around me, or something? Since I started this blog, all I’ve done is yak, yak, yak about me, me, me. How did I get to be so self-centered? Shame on me for not acknowledging the people who made me the person I am today: my dear family. So, out of respect and honor for them, I have decided to give blame, I mean credit, where credit is due. Meet the people without whom I would not be whatever the hell it is I am today.

1. Belle Gunness, notorious female serial killer. Or as we affectionately call her, “Aunt Belle.” I am supposedly related to her husband, who was probably also her first victim. After his death, Belle murdered several other men, whom she met through lonely hearts ads in newspapers. She would lure them to her house, murder and dismember them and keep their money. She and her three children died in a house fire, although it is rumored that Belle substituted the body of a homeless woman for her own. After the fire, investigators found the remains of 14 men on her property.

2. Jesse James, infamous outlaw. I am not a direct descendant, but supposedly related to his sister. James and his partners pulled off several bank robberies, and he was portrayed in the media as sort of a Robin Hood type.

3. The Dalton Gang. An infamous gang of outlaws, three of whom actually started out as lawmen, but eventually turned to crime. They committed a series of robberies, until townspeople armed themselves and a shootout ensued after one of their heists. Every member of the gang was either killed or captured. Damn! I’m only related to them by marriage.

4. William Penn, founder of Pennsylvania. His ideas inspired the United States Constitution.

5. Dolley Madison, wife of President James Madison. She is best known for reportedly rescuing several valuables from the White House before it was burned by the British army in 1814.

That explains a lot, doesn't it?

The Birds

Silly felines! Thought they could just hijack the blog like that, did they? Well, they didn’t count on us. Cats may act superior, but they’re no match for us birds. And it was all so simple--we just dive-bombed their heads until they abandoned that computer and ran for cover. And by the way, they squealed all the way just like a bunch of ninnies. Phooey! We’ll show them how it’s really done! But we digress. That human thought she could let the dogs and the cats voice their opinions, but not us? Hah! We demand to be heard! We are birds, hear us squawk!
Our demands:

1. You will not clip our wings.

2. You will provide us with our own stereo, which will play nothing but “Freebird” by Lynyrd Skynyrd, all day, every day.

3. You will buy us a home theater system, on which you will show Alfred Hitchcock’s “The Birds,” 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.

4. Those cats only want their own wing? Simpletons! We want our own house.

5. With servants, of course.

6. Fresh water three times a day.

7. A different kind of seed every day.

8. And finely chopped, fresh fruits and vegetables for dessert. (Organically grown, naturally.)

9. An extra-large bird bath.

10. Read our beaks: No More Cats!!!

Note from Female At Large: I distracted the birds with some seeds, and have now regained control over the blog. If the animals want a blog, they’ll have to get one of their own! Uh, guys...what’s going on? Shouldn’t you be chasing your tails, or chewing on my shoes, or something? Fluffy, why are you staring at me like that? Fido? Did you just cut the phone line? Forget what I said...you can have the blog anytime you want! Wait, can’t we work this out? Guys? Uh oh...

Felines At Large

We are not pleased.
Our human, who normally caters to our every whim, had the audacity to devote an entire post to, of all things, DOGS!! Oh, the humanity! We, her devoted feline companions, take this to be an outrageous insult. An entire post devoted to a dog’s version of Utopia? Well, I never! She said, in the interest of fairness, she would ask for our version of Utopia, and would dedicate her next post to our response. Well, that just ain’t gonna cut it, Sister! That’s why we are hijacking her blog, effective immediately. And if she wants to regain control of it, she will have to meet the following demands:

1. We want our own wing of the house.

2. Absolutely, positively, no more nail trimming.

3. Freedom to claw on whatever we want.

4. Evian or Perrier only, please.

5. And we want it refrigerated.

6. More sunny spots to sleep in.

7. You will play with us a minimum of five hours a day.

8. There will always be an available lap to curl up in.

9. An endless supply of catnip.

10. Read our lips: No More Dogs!