Sunday, April 10, 2005

The Universe According to Female At Large

Enter at your own risk. The rules of logic do not apply here.

Yes, I know all about gravity and electromagnetism, and all of those really neat forces that are supposed to govern the universe, but apparently my universe is governed by an entirely different set of rules. Here, up is down and right is left, and I never know what to expect. However, after years of observation and experimentation, I have managed to uncover many of the fundamental laws governing my existence. I present them to you now, so that you can fully appreciate the chaos that is my life. Welcome to my world:

1. There will be a traffic jam when you’re already running late.

2. Your alarm clock will fail you when you have a Very Important, early morning meeting.

3. Whichever line you choose at the grocery store will be the slowest.

4. Your pen will run out of ink, the batteries in your tape recorder will go dead, your dogs will all start barking and your cat will pounce on your head during your telephone interview with that source that was so hard to get in touch with, for that story that’s due by the end of the day.

5. Every electronic or mechanical item you buy will break down the day after the warranty expires.

6. You will get the hiccups right before your job interview.

7. Any financial windfall will be immediately followed by a monetary loss of an equal or greater amount.

8. The electricity will go out during “The Simpsons.”

9. You will have a bad hair day and a zit of gargantuan proportions whenever someone takes your picture.

10. You will drop the last piece of chocolate on the floor.


"The universe seems to me infinitely strange and foreign. At such a moment I gaze upon it with a mixture of anguish and euphoria; separate from the universe, as though placed at a certain distance outside it; I look and I see pictures, creatures that move in a kind of timeless time and spaceless space, emitting sounds that are a kind of language I no longer understand or ever register."
Eugene Ionesco, playwright (1909 - 1994)
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